If you've been following my social media accounts for a while, you may have noticed a bit of a change in the content that's being put up there at the moment. I seem to have gone from my usual 'I'm ok, in an OK mood and relatively talkative' to 'OMG I'm in such a good mood, look at me smiling, how are you? How's life? You good? Am I talking too much? Ooh have you seen this?', and I'm here to tell you why.
As much as I want to, and have been, shouting from the metaphorical rooftops how happy I am, this post is still a difficult one to write. Of course, I could just tell you how happy I am and leave it there, but I want to tell you more than that, however, I don't want to get so deep into things that it brings up old feelings and possibly put a dampener on this huge grin I'm currently sporting.
There are very few people in this world who know everything that I've been through in my life, in fact, thinking on it now, I don't think there's one person that knows every single thing. That tells you just how guarded I can be about things, but all of the people closest to me will know of something. All of the things combined have added up to me having a pretty rough few years; I used to be such a happy person, the life and soul of the party, but I started getting withdrawn and distant from people. I stopped wanting to go out and eventually refused to leave the house. I dealt with a lot in this time; my feelings towards what had put me in that situation, my feelings towards the people that contributed towards it, my disappointment in friends who had seemingly abandoned me in my time of need, but most of all, my feelings towards myself.
Anyway, without dwelling too long on the negatives, let's turn it around and start talking about the here and now. Last week was bad, really really bad, something was said in a group chat that triggered feelings from the past and I reacted badly. It led to me having two days of solid panic and sobbing uncontrollably. I know it sounds ridiculous, and at the time it felt ridiculous, but I couldn't stop. Every time I would stop crying I'd think it was all over and two minutes later I'd be off again, I honestly didn't know what was wrong with me. All I knew was that something else was going on other than what had initially started it all, but my confused and emotional brain wouldn't let me think about anything too deeply.
I went to bed on the second night thinking that this week I'd be making a lot of changes; I was going to stop blogging, delete most of my social media and try and sort myself out, but I awoke on day three a completely different person. I woke up with a smile on my face, which if you know me isn't that common, I'm not a morning person at all, and that smile didn't fade all day. In fact, that smile hasn't faded all week! I feel so much better; Lighter, as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders, able to put things in the past and finally move on from them and lock all those feeling away in my mental vault. I feel free and able to live the rest of my life now. I honestly can't begin to tell you how amazing it is to be able to say that. There were many times when I thought that I didn't have any future at all, and many times where I thought that I would be alone forever, perhaps living in my brother's spare bedroom as an old woman, and that scared me to death.
Now I know I'm going to be ok, I'll repeat that one more time, I'm going to be ok! I know I am, I know I've moved on and turned a corner in my life and I am so excited for the future and what possibilities lie out there for me. It's a big old world, and for the first time in years I feel like I want to experience it. The downside to you of me feeling better about things? My confidence is increasing by the day so you may have to look at my face from time to time, I've already changed my social media pictures to a real life photo rather than the amazing illustration that Dork Face did for me, and to me that's a huge deal! I may have a jiggle in my wiggle, but it's me and that's ok.
The photo used in this post is from the amazing Milly at Seven Seas Away, go and check her out!