Wednesday, 5 October 2016

The Hardest Post I've Ever Written

If you follow me on social media you may have noticed that a few months ago I was super excited to share a post with you all. I was on countdown to the day it was scheduled for, I literally couldn't wait and went on and on about what I was going to share with you. You may have also noticed that since then I haven't posted anything other than the odd photo and that one post I was so excited to share with you never amounted to anything, here's where I explain what happened. You may want to get comfortable, I think this is going to be a long one.


In my early 20's I was admitted to hospital several times with PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), it was pretty severe and resulted in numerous tests and exploratory procedures. After all of the examinations were done I was told that it would be almost impossible for me to get pregnant. As someone in their early 20's this absolutely devastated me, I'd always imagined myself as a mother, what kind of future would I have now? No man would want a woman unable to have children of their own, or so I thought. 

Roll on a few years and I had met and was engaged to someone I loved very much (although looking back on it now, he was all kinds of wrong for me). Out of the blue, totally unplanned but joyously we discovered I was pregnant. I honestly couldn't believe it. I was away from home when I found out but called my Mum the minute we got the results to tell her the news and she couldn't have been happier. I spent the next five days and nights in pure bliss, with the man I loved and carrying his child, all of my dreams were coming true. However, that weekend things started going wrong.

We were out at a small party and I started to feel unwell, after an hour or so I excused myself and left to go back to my fiance's place to lie down. I went to the bathroom and saw I was bleeding, I freaked out. Thankfully he had come to check on me at this point so rushed me straight to the hospital where I was told that I'd had a miscarriage. From the looks of things I lost the baby a few days earlier, but the bleeding had only just started because it was such an early pregnancy. Obviously, I was beyond upset. I had the only thing I'd ever wanted in the world, and within days it was gone. That took years to move on from. I won't say 'get over' because I don't think I ever have, or ever will get over it.

After the miscarriage, I went a couple of years having gynaecological problems and was eventually told that I was unable to conceive. Obviously, with what had already happened, this hit me like a tonne of bricks. The thought of having the only thing I've ever wanted and losing it so quickly, to now being told that I would never have it again, well it was just too much. I didn't handle the news well at all and don't think I ever really accepted it. It took me years to even be able to talk about babies, and whenever I got news that a friend or family member was expecting I was a ball of mixed up emotions; Obviously I was happy for them, but at the same time I was very sad for me. It just didn't seem fair. Still, I learned to cope with it and lived my life the best I could.

Fast forward to the beginning of this year and it was a crazy start! I met and fell in love with someone who will always be special to me, and it all happened so quickly, our first date lasted 5 days! We just couldn't bear to be apart from each other, so every day when it came time to say goodbye we just couldn't do it. He lived 50 miles from me, so we couldn't see each other as much as either of us wanted, but we made the best of things and spent days at a time at each other's homes.

A couple of days before my birthday we had a huge fight, big enough for me to be done with the relationship. I ended things that night and went to collect my stuff from his place the following day. Thankfully, after all of the fighting the night before we were able to leave things on good terms and said that we'd still keep in touch and try and build a friendship. On the way back home my Mum (who I took for support) said "at least it's over now", "not yet, I've gotta take a pregnancy test." I couldn't believe I was saying the words, but I'd missed a period and felt ill, just as I had done the time before.

An hour later I took the test and it was positive. I couldn't believe it. I didn't believe it. I was in a group chat with some friends and sent them numerous photos of the test as the minutes were wearing on, and it was only when Tania said that it was absolutely 100% percent positive that I think it dawned on me. I got straight on the phone to my ex and told him the news, he was just as happy and excited as I was. We talked a lot that night and because of the circumstances I agreed to let him come and spend my birthday with me, when he turned up the following day we immediately settled our differences and got back together. That was the best birthday I've ever had, and likely ever will have. I spent it with the man I loved, my family and was able to tell them the miraculous news. Nothing will ever compare to that evening.

The pregnancy was really difficult; I was unable to keep anything down, not even water, my medications all had to either be changed or stopped so I was in a hell of a lot of pain all the time, and I was only getting roughly 2 hours sleep a night. Still, with all that said I couldn't have been happier to be carrying Little Bean. I was doing everything I could to make sure she had the best start possible, I was resting plenty, keeping all my appointments (and there were a lot of them because I was classed as high risk due to health conditions), trying to eat as best as I could, and reading everything pregnancy related I could get my hands on.

Months went by as all was going according to plan, my boyfriend and I were making plans to move in together before Little Bean was born and I couldn't have been happier. I had everything I'd ever wanted and an amazing future to look forward to. However, as you've probably guessed, things didn't stay that way for long.

I woke up early hours one morning feeling wet, I thought I'd wet the bed, but when I looked I was bleeding. I was freaking out! I called NHS Direct and explained everything and they told me to keep an eye on things and call them back if it either continued past a certain time or got any heavier. All I could think about was that I needed to be with my boyfriend. Whatever was happening, he should be with me. He had his son overnight so was unable to get to me, so I quickly packed up my stuff and got a train to his.

After an hour or so being laid down on his bed, the pain was that bad that I had to ask him to take his son home early and get me to the hospital. Once there I was basically told to go away. I wasn't examined at all and was told that unless I got through a sanitary towel in less than 30 minutes that I should go home and rest. As unhappy as I was with that advice, and as much as we protested, there was nothing I could do. As soon as I walked back through the front door I needed the bathroom, and that's when things got really bad.

The bleeding was so heavy that I was unable to move from the toilet, I couldn't stand up! There's no way I'd have been able to get in a taxi in that state so an ambulance was called. They turned up within minutes, and thankfully both paramedics were women, I'd have been embarrassed if two men had to get me off the toilet. They made sure that I was secure and fit to walk and got me to the ambulance, so within the space of 45 minutes I was discharged, in an ambulance and readmitted. It was farcical, they should have listened to me, or at least examined me!

Once in A&E the bleeding and the pain got so severe that I was totally helpless, sanitary towels weren't cutting it, I was using nappies now, and they were only lasting up to 5 minutes before they were soaked through and leaking. Myself, the bed, the floor and pretty much the entire room was covered in blood, it was like something out of a horror movie! Because the junior doctors were on strike that day the hospital was understaffed, so we were shut away in a private room (because the mess was too horrific for other patients to see) and left to pretty much fend for ourselves for 7 hours. It was up to my boyfriend to change me, he had to change his girlfriend's nappy while she was obviously losing his child, how unfair is that?! There was one time I attempted to change it myself, but the blood clot in the nappy was so big that I went into shock. I was in no fit state to do or think of anything, I was totally reliant on him, and in all fairness, he really couldn't have been better. I honestly don't know what I'd have done without him (or the morphine) that day.

I ended up staying in the hospital for 4 days, all the while in a private room so my other half was able to stay with me. They refused to give him a mattress or camp bed, so he slept in the chair next to me. It took 3 days to finally get confirmation that our baby had died, they were the hardest 3 days of my life. I was told once that she had, then was told that the scan was wrong, so my head was all over the place. As it turns out, the scan was wrong because they found some other issues while they were looking (I may go into that at a later date, but now isn't the time). After some more medication and rest, I was finally allowed home to start the grieving process.

A week later I had an appointment at the hospital to see how things were going, but I was seriously ill that day. They could tell just from looking at me that something wasn't right, but every time I stood up I was on the verge of passing out. After more tests, they told me that I had a problem with my bladder so had to be admitted again. Thankfully that stay was only one night, and they temporarily solved the problem. However, because of other results that had come about, I am unable to have the surgery I need to fix it, so may have to be admitted every few months for treatment.

Although she died a few weeks before we found out her gender, I had a feeling right from the start that she was a girl, so will always be referred to as such. We'd been discussing names for a while and had fallen in love with Addison, it's unisex so would be suitable for either gender and has a personal meaning to us, too. So that is what we've named her - Addison Palmer-Jones. Unfortunately, the whole thing took its toll on the relationship and her father and I split up a couple of months later, but he will always be in my heart as the father of my child.

From my admission, I have been referred to a few different specialists for problems they found from my scans, and I've now been told that although I can physically conceive I am unable to have children - again! I have issues with my heart and it isn't strong enough for me to carry to term, so if I was to get pregnant now, there's a strong chance that it would kill me.

As heartbreaking as both losses have been, it's this news that has made everything so much harder. Knowing that at the start of the year I had everything I'd ever wanted, and now I literally have none of it. It's beyond devastating, there really are no words to explain the huge hole in my life now, and knowing that it will never be filled kills me. I now have to try and start the acceptance all over again; I will never have a child, I will never have a family, I will grow old and have no grandchildren through no choice of my own. The plans I had made for myself, with my boyfriend, for our baby, will never happen, overnight they just vanished. I don't know how I'm ever going to come to terms with that.

I have to say that if it wasn't for a few amazing people in my life I wouldn't have got through the last few months. My parents, Tania, LisaAmie, Sam, Christine, and my little sister, Caitlin, you have all been amazing and I love you so much. Although I am bawling my eyes out writing this post, without you I wouldn't be in any fit state to write it at all. I will be back to blogging soon, but I'm sure you understand that it'll be an 'as and when' situation.

To wrap this very long, and very sad, post up, a few words for my darling Addison, who should have been born today (October 5th, 2016).

To my darling Addison, 
Wherever you are on what should have been the day of your birth, please know that Mummy is thinking about you lots. Not a day, an hour, or a minute goes by when you're not in my thoughts. I miss you more than I could ever say and the huge hole left in my heart is impossible to fill without you here. 
I may not have been lucky enough to hold you in my arms, but I will hold you in my heart for eternity. You will always be my perfect little angel and I will love you with every ounce of my being until I have no breath left in my body.
I promise that you were, and always will be, the most precious little miracle, and more people than you know cared for and still think about you. I will light a candle today in your honour, and every candle I light from here on out will be for you. 
I love you, now and always, 
Mummy xxx 

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